Calgary Canoe Club 1999 Alberta Championships Results

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THE REAL STORY (according to Pep)

NEW YORK - THE LIBERTY CUP 2007

Mike told me it was called the LIBERTY CUP Outrigger Canoe Race
because you "are supposed to be free, like, liberated and exercise
all your constitutional rights and go for it". He explained that
America is the land of the free and the home of the "brave enough to
have a lot of fun", so it was a patriotic duty to really make sure you
had fun. I hadn't quite seen it that way, but Mike said " don't
worry. I will show you what I mean"

Chapter Two

We knew we were no longer in Alberta when as we drove in from JFK to
Manhatten every car we passed seemed to be playing the song, PARTY
LIKE A ROCK STAR and we passed a lot as our Russian émigré driver
explained how we would " go through Queens, then circle Brooklyn and
make a run for the tunnel and if it seemed too congested he would
simply jump over a few cars". Mike simply held my hand and kept
saying that we'd be OK and "no, that wasn't a gun in that mans hand",
"no, that was a poodle not a rat", " yes, that is a rat, just knock
it off the seat"," no, those girls aren't just looking for a ride",
etc etc.

After stopping twice so the driver could knock over a couple liquor
stores, we made it to our hotel. And truth be told I tried to talk
Mike and the Brits into doing the race in my room, or at least try to
do the race by not leaving the lobby. No way! The next day we are up
and in a cab, me huddling under a blanket and whimpering, on our way
to Brooklyn and the start. The race is staged under the Brooklyn
Bridge and you launch, paddle too the other side and the guns go off
under the Manhattan Bridge. Guns cause of the abundance of fire arms
in NYC and as soon as the start gun goes off, everyone in vicinity
draws down and starts shooting.

The womens race was at a running tide so they were swept up the East
river faster than they could paddle out of the current. The men's
race hit an ebbing tide, so out to sea. Both races had to stop at one
point for ocean liners and ferries, for real!!!! These ships just say
" What!!??!! " and would grind up an outrigger like kindling. Also
the result of the wakes and waves and river currents make the water
unpredictable in extremis! for those who went to Gibsons this year.
the whole race approximates the washing machine water found on the
outside, with fisherman yelling and stuff floating in the water that
you are not even allowed to look at. At the end of the race you are
not allowed to say whether you had a good time or not for two weeks
because then you are outside the window of any infectious disease.

Chapter Three

After the 2 hour plus race and a dis-infection by the Port
Authorities the site for the party was announced and the luau hour
struck. And strike the luau hour did!!! A very power up DJ and a NYC
Halau of dancers that did both traditional and Kahiki dance for us...
they had a for real kumu- the Hawaiian word for teacher- who did
chant and beat and then cut loose in the Tahitian fashion. AND this
is where Mike began to shine. One look at the dancers and he shouted
" Calgary in the House" and hit the dance floor running. He took a
big hit for the CCC and we owe him big time for leaving a social
footprint behind that will not soon be forgotten. In fact at the
height of the party he took down the whole club by winning the trip
to Kauai for six people for 7 days!! And so he is looking to his " my
five paddling friends" list right now and there is still chance to
make the cut.

Chapter Four

GIBSONS!!!!!!!!!!

VERNON FRESHWATER CHALLENGE 2007

Prior to posting of trip summary we have been asked to solicit the publics assistance in light of a crime committed in the vicinity of the Okanogan Lake Rd. campsite. VERNON CRIMESTOPPERS (1-800-444-1111) is asking any person with information on a crime, currently updated to assault upon a peace officer (section 7, para. 3-4 BC Criminal Code) to come forward. Your help keeps our community safe!!! CVPF (City of Vernon Police Force)

TARD FUN!!!!!!

It is important to cover the technical and training issues related to any race first. These are the foundations upon which to build better results and more competitive performance. These are presented in point form

1) If you decide to go from a real racer to a rodeo cowboy during a race, you must get the basic tricks down, like flying the ama!! Lifting and slapping it at the finish line results in comments like " oh, look at the special racer!" or as Mitchell said, " Mommy now I see why daddy doesn't like him!"

2) If you get tired, DO NOT take your paddle and try to go home. Karen no matter what you think it is not OK to jump out of the canoe with the steer stick unless you are John Roberts.

3)NOVICE boat!!! It is never OK for two people to sit in the same seat during a change!!! OK if you really like each other.

4) Also it shows bad sportsmanship to loan a canoe with the iako and ama not attached!!! But it was good video!!!

5) Finally removing bits of your paddling costume during a race or a change practice will only distract the other paddlers in the boat. No one wants to keep hearing, " well, well, would ya looka tha?"

SO, the real story begins..

CHAPTER ONE :RACE PREP- THE FRESHWATER FLUSH

Everyone should relax and know that after some medical tests we can reassure you that running around in circles and dashing madly off in all directions with flight of ideas, multiple priorities and not knowing if it's a race, a reunion, the fourth of July or an excuse to drink, is not a sign of any virus or psychiatric malady. It is in reality just another Calgary Canoe Club race!!!

Also it is completely normal that Perks idea of a warm-up is to line dance and , yes, Pat's naked yoga could have been done in a more discrete fashion and the dragon boaters have to understand that practicing for a change race by leaping out can be done without the Iwo Jima war cry! Also using the just think your way through and the mental visualization approach to racing IS easier than, like, actually doing something!!!

So comes DAY ONE...Small boats was an awesome venue for us as Calgary set it off with 6 podiums in a deep field of boats...40 for the men's/mixed race!!! Leach and Candace drug poor Pep's ass around the course while Pat and Mike N. and Chelsey and Kip all made us proud. In fact a big shout out for people who jumped into the boats and took on the challenge to race solo and put their heads down and took their commitment to paddling up a notch. While some played for the crowd, others threw it down. Big shout out to Ian for his go the distance with his head down and others who could have just saved themselves for "tomorrow"

CHAPTER TWO- Tomorrow: Jump in/Jump out

OK, How do you describe D-day? How could Moses tell someone about the burning bush? How can you talk about climbing Everest?

Well, in the same way there is a loss of words to account for the Calgary A boat off the line start. If the race would have ended after 250 meters rather than 3 hours and 50 minutes later, well GOLD!! Sitting in that boat was a hang on and hope no nose bleed!!! Big thanks to the other boat for going sideways across the line to make this possible- kidding. Kip just said, "please take it away" and the next thing Pat and Pep were squealing like piglets seeking a suck! That boat was awesome and never so fast off the line.

OK we dropped off the TOTAL MEN'S Boat from Vernon but so, we girled the rest of the field. And that includes Clair and Michael making out at the turn near Bird shit island!! Speak of, did the people in the boat see the guy with the spear gun as we went by, POINTED up out of the water toward US~!!!!???!!! For Real this skin diver comes up waving a fire arm. so to speak, and i thought "Hey drive-by!!" But we made it. SECOND and another podium for CCC

So apology...I have to say that as we waited for the second team to show up I was arranging IVs and medivacs and a ton of lets save their asses things and when they came in, it was like FUN!! TARD FUN!!! No vomit, no blurred vision, no coronary collapse. In fact the veritable feast I had prepared to re-fuel them was the last on their minds. The Geralds came out of the boat screaming " WHERE THE PARTY?" and the Oysters simply put on their make-up and said " hey fresh up!" I tell you just when you think you can condescend on the people, hand of God smacks you up side the head and you remember:

"Do what you will. life is a fiction

And made up of Contradiction"

William Blake

Ah, yeah...anyway.. back to the reality of the day...

CHAPTER THREE: Win the Party

RIP OFF!!!! that's the story and we sticking with it cause some of the folks primed themselves so much for winning the party that all their earlier chemical ingestion went to waste!!! On came the lights,,,off the floor went the tables and not for purpose of dance!!! In fact all the warm-up for to dance went to no avail as it was 9:00pm and time to go to bed. The "highlight" was Pep dressing up like an Aloha Airlines flight attendant in a shirt he won and all his best efforts to gay it up a bit were, to, no, avail!!!

BUT no!! some of the party warriors decided to jihad. Strapping on fireworks they lit up the yacht club and the neighboring countryside, better foolishness than no party!!! Better death and destruction than to live without FUN! FUN! TARD FUN!!!!

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