Calgary Canoe Club 1999 Alberta Championships Results

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REPORTS ON EVENTS FROM THE 2003 SEASON

LENGTH of the LAKE or LORD of the FLIES? It all started nicely and especially so for the first leg where the "A" Boat put a big hurt on the ultimate winner, the Vernon Boat. Aside from the fact that the crew forgot to read the map and panicked somewhere between Barry's House and the West side, and then of course the mud wrestling between KAREN and KIP on the Beach afterwards, which everytime I pulled them off of each other CHRIS kept throwing them back on each other and yelling, " you idiot,I've paid money to see this!" it was a good leg. Oh yeah, JON A did have a moment with BARNEY where he threw him out of the boat like some scene from a Dublin pub dwarf hurling contest and it would have settled had not DON D grabbed Barney and shouted he could do better!!!! Once though on the beach out of the mud and the hurling ended, both inter-personal and literal. It was all smiles and donuts. Though I don't think SARH and MICHELE should try to turn a simple boat race into a multi-sport contest and in fact I am unsure if "...I can eat more donuts than you" at each change constitutes a sport at all. As the day proceeded it went from better to better...at one change because the "B" boat was unofficial and the shifts weren't worked out they left the beach with 9 people in the boat but it was all good as TRACEY and RALPH made lattes and served pastry the whole leg. But was DAVE P was really pissed off because someone forgot the handi-wipes and so people had to paddle with sticky hands for...the...WHOLE...leg!!!!!! Where was Jaqcue and Air Canada etiquette when we need it- though my last flight i can only recall being awakened from a cat nap by a flight attendant stuffing my "special" vegetarian order sandwich into my mouth and having a glass of punch thrown in my face and asking "would there be anything else?", like I'd want more!?! Anyway back to the race...we want to remind the new people that though competitive and all, rolling rocks down from the highway is not really in the spirit of the competition and now we have to repair a couple of Penticton boats. Also in one instance they were not actually dragging a crew member but instead that was GREG R and a bungee so he could "go from Vernon to Penticton" as he euphemistically called his paddle. I wonder if JOHN R has found the considerable amount of fecal matter Greg left in his boat as result of being towed by a Penticton boat and realizing he had little to do except eat. Also did anyone pick up PAT as at the last change he was sitting at a picnic table, drinking a beer and eating a burger and would only say "No mas...no mas..." Though I did not witness the actual event, it is rumored MARTIN too almost jumped ship somewhere in the Peachland/ Summerland area, as he realized that there were as he stated it, "a lot of women around here without men, and I am man enough for all of them". Did anyone else witness him working the Gibsons women elders the night before? Tha' man full a surprises!!!! Speaking of surprises, did you all know LYNDA took the Red Cross donations to the casino and that's why one of the boats didn't come home with us. The fools though took the Advantage!!! Lynda is sorry but it was BRIDGET'S system she was working...Oh yeah working, it always is a lot of work but like having a baby you realize starting it up is a lot more fun than finishing it off and you are glad you are a man. It is all worthwhile watching people drag themselves from the lake and spit up water and throw feeble punches at one another,,and what could be better than that? Except maybe trapped on an island with a bunch of violent kids, a pig and it is

getting dark...

SEPT REGATTA _ PADDLE UNTIL YOU DROP

Now about the tickets to Hilo...did any one tell the winners that that is Hilo, Alberta, down the road from Oyen? Included in the trip is a pancake breakfast at the Vittles and Skittles owned by Flo and Eddie. We hope KEN and DEIGHEN enjoy their trip!!!!! Oh yeah will not be valid after September 15th. Aside from this stunning top prize for these awesome paddlers, there were prizes and categories galore. LYNDA AND SARAH and their gnomes made a whole lot of prizes in the form of coasters and when we ran out a bunch of the later winners got some that said THE CECIL: A PLACE FOR SUDS AND BUDS!!! CLAIRE and PERKS actually can paddle an OC-2 together and are now engaged. Just kidding. Speaking of engaged JON D. enaged us all in a marathon course that brought man/mud/goose into an never before achieved intimate relationship!!! Several pairs were heard to remark how truly wonderful the experience was: GREG and SANDY/WEINER and AULILI/JON and JOHN/MARTIN and DON, oh yeah DON didn't show up, I forgot. There were a plethora of Out of Towners and they took home some medals for their effort.CHRIS W was formidable in all his events, especially at the party in his plaid skirt and NO UNDERPANTS. When PETER G offered to loan him a pair all he got from Chris was a coy grin and square-dance-skirt-flairing spin, not pleasant but beguiling. KIP's mom kept muttering "where is my gun!" . JOHN R and JACQUE staggered like zombies the first day and the dock looked like the fall of Atlanta battle scene in Gone with the Wind. LYDIA ran tending to the wounded screaming"the humanity...the humanity..." BRENDA shovelled food into the mouths of the water refugees and at one point ROBERT looked like an aide worker in those scenes of food distribution in Iraq...I believe I saw ROSEANNE fleeing toward the water with an armload of buns!!! In an act of incredible integrity, PAT Mc stood on the shore beer in hand and burger in mouth and simply said to Hell with you when reminded that the OC-6 final was set to go. Fortunately a group of elderly dementia patients were out for a stroll and so the empty seats were quickly filled as Pat passed out in the bushes. SARAH paddled her way into the finals and a medal and then announced to the world that she was the only PROFESSIONAL dancer in the club. DONO used to manage her and claims to have actually taught her pole dancing."She was a great addition to my stable" he stated confirming her claim to notorieyt. Not to be outdone, EDIE put on some vinyl that I haven't seen since the Southside in Chicago. All I heard from BILL was "please don't give her any encouagement" We'd like to have a picture of that, Bill! Speaking of pictures, get 'em while they are hot. The new posters of the wicked wicked kids who violated Federal Parks law and did the boat hula on Lake Louise are out. It was all fun and games until they took BETTY off in handcuffs! See you after the LoL.

AUGUST FUN REGATTA

Report on the Regatta of August23rd...NEWS BULLETIN!!!! Some won some lost but it was supposed to all be fun!!!!!

Initially we would like to thank those people who set a perimeter and spent their time dragging other team members out of the bushes or preventing their escape as the day went on. 17 RACES!!!! Whose idea was that? No wonder people were found weeping in the undergrowth and had to be drug down on the docks and hurled into boats not to mention lashed into submission once on board. This venue of "lots of races" for everyone gave a good name to shanghai'ing!!!! Fortunately KAT had set up IVs on the beach and so many were saved from certain death. Nonetheless before most os discovered the fun regatta was in reality a water-based death march, the three teams- the YELLOW bellied cowards, the RED communism will rise again and the BLUE sweet and good-tied on their colors and began the day with great enthusiasm. Most wore their 'buffs' as head bands but based upon JON As steering in one race Peter G found a more colorful but painful way for JON to "wear" his. Jacque on the other hand was able to use his at differing times as both a rather stylin' thong AND to wipe off his face after vomiting along with John R and Jon A after a "fun" 1000. The blue team treated STEVE like that guy in the Wendys' commercial, the new guy, and made sure he was in every boat possible, paying the price. The tin boat races were a hit and LYNDA gave new meaning to turning left. DAVE P had his daughter and her friend along and they took great delight in throwing rocks at the BLUE team while DAVE sung the International, in keeping with his membership on the RED commies team.BRENDA and ROBERT won the food race and JOHN R looked an awful lot like Dave Thomas from the Wendys commercial as he spent grueling hours slaving over the hot grill. BRIDGET gave Kat an ass spanking in the singles race and the KAT fight continued on the Beach. BILL H is going to provide remediation with an evening seminar for these two on Civil Decency: On and Off the Water. SONIA and TOONIE had so much fun they had to be pried off of the grandstand, screaming " NO NO DON'T TAKE OUR FUN AWAY" at the regattas end. Carol visiting from LOTUS CANOE CLUB said " This is alot better than stupid Vancouver and BC and everyone should move here and have fun and you guys are alot faster than all the clubs out there and better looking and smarter!" As a final note some of the prizes weren't picked up...the keys to the Honda are with Lynda...the color TV can be picked up at the Bay and the coupons for MAJESTIC MASSAGE AND MYSTIC LADIES won by CHRIS W and MIKE L aka Weiner are with the manager of the ladies, DON D. All in all a good time was had by one and all.I forgot the name of our other first time person but she was a gamer and one more time i would like to explain knee capping you opponents on the way to their canoes, with your paddle, is not a "Polynessian Good OLD Gals" tradition.-----
Bill H - As the CORA representative, I hereby charge a two beer/person penalty to the blue team. Attached photo shows reprehensible steering technique on the 4 in a tub race. Further, Jon infringed on the red race lanes in mixed OC-2 (with near disastrous consequences) - Blue - not so sweet and good may make atonement for their behavior on or before Sept 6 at the Barley Mill. In the mean time, Jon Amundson - write 100 lines please - "Jonny will always be Civilly Decent in a canoe!"

VERNON REPORT

Regardless of the actual paddling and the success on the water, and even in the absence of John Roberts Calgary once again WON the party!!!! Jon A. stepped into the breach and once the Hip Hop started it all went good. There was not a soul not givin' it up for the club. Highlights: Lynda, Chris and Sarah attempting to steal the Mixed Trophy; Sarah yelling out as Ginter- Jess' paramour- danced his heart out for us, "GIVE ME SOME MORE!!!", Jacque and Jon A locked into mortal Capoeria Dance Combat with legs flying into the air, and finally some fool put on a country western hoe down tune and it all went very very werid.....

Actual paddling was secondary to the "in the club" action of the party but included such highlights as a SOLID WIN by the Mixed team for the gold...Lotus made several pushes but the mixed team led from the first turn with only a slight give of ground on the down lake leg. The crossing to Bird Shit island was Kawaihae- or the fierce sea- as the Hawaiians would say.It was where the mixed put on the 1000 meters Lotus trailed by at the end. The Basis for the win was Kips' awesome steering.AND the fact we had SARAH IN THE BOAT!!! As she was the GOLD MEDAL WINNER the day before in the womens race. With a pretty good field behind her Sarah literally walked away. She actually began to do syncro swim movements in the boat the last lap!!! A masked stranger appeared and jumped in a blue boat belonging to Pat and walked away with SECOND PLACE in the OC-1 and once she finished she pulled of her disguise and it was Seldom Seen Charlene!!!! Another Calgary medal. Pat and the litter were there to celebrate the moment. Lynda and Jess took a THIRD PLACE in the OC-2 race in the same field, and Jess made a grab at the winners prize bottle of beer, but it was all good. In the mens' race a huge wave wiped out half the field in front of Jacque...just kidding as Jacque hammered the field for a SECOND in the Mens' OC-1 competition. Shane Martin was spinning his neck like a bobblehead doll and was all but screaming "where is he? where is he?" as Jacque hunted him down like a terrier on a rat. Jon A and Pat took third in the Oc-2 race and were beaten by a couple of male strippers who got a boat at the last minute- oh sure 'good race' JEFF and MIKE proud of yourselves to beat two old men? Our mens' team finished fourth in the mirage and were proud to say there wasn't one fight! They did the math John R and Jon A weren't in the boat Hmmm? The second mixed team wasn't last and that was a goal they had set. It was a real learning curve as the wind and waves baptisized the boat and crew. There were rumours of mischief as Peter left the boat crawling and howling in the water at the edge of the lake. Thank you mixed B for you enthusiasm and the look on all your faces when you hit the shore!!! Even Barney shed a tear...

Final thoughts: The MIKES' tore a strip off of Jon and Pat for the first 2000 meters in the Oc-2 race and the huli'd to make their third place possible. Thank you children!!! Pregnant women abounded and so we never feared if a fistfight might break out at the party as these women were looking good and tough!!! The newfoundland Babes gave it up all the way around!!! THANK YOU AMANDA for the "Berry patch", Barry hinself was a saint especially when Jeff and Mike's friend STEVE of the grass skirt made a move on his wife!!!!! MARTIN and DON put three Calgary oc-2s in the top six finishers and Lydia and Ralph jumped on an OC-2 and discovered what that meant the next day. As Tiny Tim said' God Bless us one and all" John Roberts WE MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!

CANADIAN NATIONAL MARATHON CHAMPIONSHIPS were held last weekend in Kamloops. They were well attended with fields on 20 + for most races. Due to this event changing location late in the season we did not get any teams from eastern Canada, a condition we want to fix for next year when they will be in Nova Scotia.

Alberta was represented by Jon Davies, Greg Redman, Greg Morris, Jacques Godine, Mike Leach, John Roberts, Jon Amundson, Deighen Blakely , Sandy Redman, and Lynda Roberts. This hard working group has put us on the map with outstanding results.

MC-2 MEN - 1st Place Jon Davies and Greg Redman

MC-2 Women - 1st Place Deighen Blakely and Sandy Redman

MIXED MC-2 - 1st Place Jon Davies and Deighen Blakely

2nd Place Greg Redman and Sandy Redman

MC-1 Women - 1st Place Deighen Blakely

SR MASTERS MEN MC-2 - 2nd Place John Roberts and Jon Amundson

(in case you missed it - that is 3 - 1st Place Medals fro Deighen Blakely)

I think we surprised a few of the old guard in a sport that is showing signs of reviving. With this core of experienced paddlers I would encourage any interested members to give these boats a try.